Aspen Jade O'Brien

It's taken me over a year to finally write this all out. Maybe it's because I've been busy raising two children. Maybe it's because in the past year we went through some life changes and a move. Or, maybe it's because what I'm about to share was far and away the most traumatic experience I've ever been through and it's taken this long for me to be comfortable enough to finally share. And maybe it's because nobody ever wants to hear about these kinds of birth stories. People want to hear the stories where everything was perfect and blissful and nothing went wrong. People with birth stories like mine are told to keep our mouths shut because "you'll scare moms-to-be and they don't need that kind of negativity before giving birth for the first time". My intentions with sharing my experience are 1. for my own sake, to continue processing my experience and to be able to fully heal from it and 2. to validate any other mom out there who has had a less than desirable birth experience and felt like they couldn't talk about it because of the fear of being told to stay quiet so as not to scare other moms. 

If you've been around for the last 4+ years then you probably remember when I shared my birth story with my first child, Asa. If not, then I also have a blog post here that you can check out.  

December 20, 2021

41 weeks pregnant. I never thought I'd be here because everyone always says they went into labor sooner with their second kid than they did their first kid. Asa was born at 40 weeks and 6 days so with Aspen I had my hopes set on having gone into labor before reaching 40 weeks, but that was not in the cards for me. It was a Tuesday morning, I had to go in to the birth center to have my 41 week check up, do a non stress test, and then go to an imaging center to have an ultrasound. My husband and I sat through the NST for an hour and when they checked the test the nurse said it looked like I was having some light contractions. They were so light in fact that I didn't even know I was having any. By the time we were done with both appointments it was lunch time so we decided to go somewhere to eat and make a date day out of it. We went to Buffalo Wild Wings and while there I started having some cramping, but nothing uncomfortable or consistent. After we were done eating we decided to go to a store and just walk around to see if that would get things moving. 

Fast forward and it's now almost 5 pm. Levi and I had been home for a while, spending time with Asa and relaxing and I started having more consistent contractions. by 5:30 we were on our way to the birth center so they could check how dilated I was; 4-5cm. At 6:30 we were at Panera Bread to grab some food and while there I started having really consistent contractions that were gaining intensity but they still were tolerable and not painful. I remember squatting and pacing while there and the few people who were in the restaurant kept watching me, probably hoping I didn't go into full blown labor while there. At 7 we were back at the birth center and my sisters were on their way to meet us there. 

Things were going so well after I officially got checked in to the birth center. We were laughing, I was eating, working through contractions, the mood was light and fun. I was progressing really well, continuing to dilate and eventually I was at 7-8cm and the midwife said if I wanted to that she could break my water because of how well things were going and Aspen would be born before we knew it since things were going so smoothly. I opted to have my water broken and then all hell broke loose. 

After she broke my water my contractions got extremely intense and they started to be non-stop. Where before I was getting a break between contractions and able to recoup before having to work through the next one, I was no longer getting a break and I started to be in pain during each contraction. Everything started to become a blur at this point. The midwife had been called back into my room and decided that I could start trying to push. I remember pushing a few times and then it was decided that I should use the peanut ball to help move Aspen down farther. We did that for a while and then tried pushing again. I was already in so much pain from the never ending contractions. It was just before 10pm then. I moved to the bath tub to see if that would help and the midwife just kept checking me and having me push and push and push. An hour later I was still in the tub trying with everything in me to push Aspen out. I kept asking my midwife if she was moving down and she would either shake her head no or just not acknowledge me at all. At this point I was in so much pain that I couldn't control what my body was doing. In my head I just kept begging God to end this, I had reoccurring thoughts that I was going to die in childbirth. And, eventually, I started asking God to take me because I have never experienced so much pain in my life. I was pleading with my husband and sisters to help me and they all did everything they could to keep encouraging me and trying to comfort me while the midwife did basically nothing and said nothing. After over an hour of pushing they had me get out of the tub and move to the bed and the midwife checked me and said "your baby has a lot of dark hair" so I thought that she was finally moving down and that we were so close to her finally being born. I thought wrong. It was now after midnight and I had still been pushing with all the strength I had left in my body and nothing was happening. I tried laboring on the toilet to see if gravity would help move Aspen down. After probably 30 minutes of that I moved back to the bed and still the midwife said and did nothing. It was now after 1 am. I had been pushing since 10pm. My body was exhausted, mentally I was so done and in such a negative head space that I was still asking God to take me. If I made it out of this alive I swore I'd never have another child because I was 2/2 on hard labors with the second being significantly worse. And we had only scratched the surface on the trauma. 

Finally around 1:30 am, the midwife said it would be best for me to go to the hospital and I immediately was begging for them to get me there as quick as possible so I could be put out of my misery. With Asa when I transferred to the hospital, Levi was able to drive me there, but this time, the midwife said she needed to call an ambulance because if Aspen shifted in transit she would be born in the car. When the paramedics arrived I was so out of it. I had no strength left, my body was shaking uncontrollably and I was still having extremely intense contractions. I was so weak and in so much pain that I couldn't even keep my eyes open. I remember asking Levi if he would ride in the ambulance with me and he absolutely would have except covid restrictions didn't allow for anyone else to be in the ambulance. So here I was, in absolute agony, in such a mental fog, not able to keep my eyes open or keep my body from freaking out, in an ambulance with paramedics trying to ask me questions that I physically could not answer because of just how weak and out of it I was. The ride to the hospital is a complete blur to me. All I know is that of the 3-4 paramedics, one was a female and she was in the back with me, doing her best to comfort me and talk to me so I knew I wasn't alone. Thank God for her because I was still so scared I was going to die. We go to the hospital and made it to a room and I so clearly remember being wheeled down the hallway and into an elevator because it was like a movie scene where they show the perspective of the patient and the view goes from black to showing the lights moving by on the ceiling. I don't know how long it took for Levi to get to the room where I was and I couldn't tell you what the room looked like, how many nurses were in the room or what was happening. I finally heard Levi's voice and felt him grab my hand and rubbing my head. I vividly remember hearing one nurse say to another "well, we've got another one from THAT birth center". I have no idea what the time frame was for anything that happened next. We had to go through all of the intake questions and paperwork which was nearly impossible because I couldn't speak, thankfully Levi was able to answer most questions for me. They did bloodwork to make sure I would be able to have an epidural. My white blood cell count was very low, to the point where they had to take lots of time to discuss whether or not they felt like it was a good idea for me to have it or not. I also found out after the fact that it took two nurses and almost an hour for them to be able to put an IV in my arm because I was so dehydrated at this point and my body still wouldn't stop shaking. (After the fact, I had so many bruises and holes in my arm and hand from that.) I finally had an IV in and they approved me for an epidural, but the anesthesiologist was on his way to another mom to give her one, however, my nurse ran after him and told him "that other mom can wait, my mom needs it NOW" (I also found this out after the fact because I heard Levi thank her multiple times for looking out for me.) My nurse was an absolute God send. Her name was Mariah and she was so comforting and sweet to me. Once they were finally able to sit me up and get the epidural in, which was such a scary time for me because again, I could not keep my body from shaking and you're supposed to be absolutely still when they administer it, I started to immediately feel relief. For the first time in hours I was able to open my eyes and speak. The pain I had been having for 5+ hours was finally gone. Mariah looked at me dead in my eyes and said "this is not your fault, you did nothing wrong." It was a definite God moment because throughout this nightmare my mind kept telling me that I did something wrong, that I was having such a bad experience because I deserved it, that I didn't deserve to have a redemptive birth from what I experienced with Asa, that my body was made wrong. All of which I know now are lies but when you're in the middle of such a horrible, hard thing it's easy to listen to and believe the lies. Mariah was so gentle with me and kept telling me how strong I was and that I was going to get through this and end up okay. 

A little before 5am, I was able to send a text to my sisters and thank them for everything they did at the birth center, again, because of covid rules, none of them were able to be at the hospital with us. 

At 5am, it was decided that I was going to do some practice pushes to see if Aspen would come down any and then go from there. With the practice pushes the nurse looked up and Levi and I and said "the reason your babies have gotten stuck is because of the way your pelvic bones are positioned" which was news to me because nobody had ever noticed that or if they did they never mentioned it to me. 

I don't exactly know time frames now but between 5-7am they had my use a peanut ball again and I would lay on one side for 20-30 minutes and get some sleep and then they'd come in and rotate me to the other side and we just kept repeating that for a while. At 7, the midwife who had been there all night and the nurses, were all about to leave. I was sad because Mariah was leaving and she had been so great to me all night, but the nurse who came in to replace her ended up being just as great. The midwife who was supposed to be there at 7 ended up running late so the one who actually delivered Aspen was a midwife I had come to love when I was pregnant with Asa and she was with me at the birth center for my labor with him but because I had to transfer to the hospital then too I wasn't able to have her deliver Asa like I wanted. It was kind of a full circle moment for me since she ended up being the midwife to deliver Aspen. 

Finally, after 13 hours of labor, most of which were absolute hell on earth, Aspen was born at 7:34am on December 21, 2021. 

Aspen was perfectly healthy. 8 pounds 15 ounces and 20.5 inches long. She was born at exactly the time of the sunrise on winter solstice. Levi looked at me after she was born and said "she was born on the shortest day of the year and from here on out the days will only get brighter." 

Overall, my recovery with Aspen was much easier than it was with Asa. She didn't have to be in the NICU like he did. I had a second degree tear with Asa and didn't tear at all with Aspen which the midwife and nurse were shocked by because she was so big and because she came out crooked with her head almost sunny side up and her shoulder had gotten caught on my pelvis. 

After Aspen was born I had the baby blues for a couple of weeks and looking back I know most of that came from the fact that what I had been through had been so traumatic. I remember looking at her, knowing that I loved her so much, but also feeling resentment towards her and almost being angry that she put me through so much pain. I knew it wasn't her fault and she didn't do anything to me, but I still couldn't help but feel numb with her. I would cry so much and Levi did the best he could to help me and to do whatever he needed to to take care of her and Asa while I was recovering and trying to deal with what was going on mentally. 

On New Years Eve we were with all our family, everyone was having a good time, but I was struggling. We were with the people I feel the closest to in my life and normally I would have loved to be there but I could not wait to go home because I didn't want to be around anyone. Thankfully, I have the best friends (sisters) anyone could ask for and the four of us ended up in a bedroom talking about what I had been through. I finally was able to open up fully and explain everything I was dealing with. I verbalized every thought that kept plaguing my mind, from thoughts that I was a failure, there was something wrong with my body, that God hated me and was punishing me, that I didn't deserve to have easy labors, that God didn't care about my birth plans and what I wanted; the list goes on and on. Through being able to talk about all of that my sisters helped me realize that I didn't do anything wrong and that there was nothing wrong with me, but that I had actually been failed by the midwife at the birth center. She had allowed me to push and physically exhaust myself while giving no input or being any help and ignoring me when I would ask her questions. She sat by idly while I was in the worst pain of my life and just kept having me use all of the strength and energy I had when it wasn't doing anything for me to push and she let that happen for hours before finally deciding I should go to the hospital. We spent a long time in the bedroom talking through my experience and praying for every bit of depression I was dealing with to go. 

Waking up on New Years Day I felt like a brand new person. I no longer looked at my baby girl with resentment or anger and I finally felt the love I knew I had for her. She's been such a perfect addition to our family, it hasn't been without struggles, but I'm so thankful her and I made it out of that experience alive and healthy. 

I've spent the last almost 14 months trying to figure out what the silver lining of my terrible experience is and I haven't really come up with anything other than the fact that I'm alive and I get to still be here to raise my babies. If anything, what my two traumatic birth experiences have taught me is that for any future children I might have, the route I'll take is going to be completely different than the first two times around.