Celebrating Life While Staring In The Face Of Death.

December 1, 2014. It started like any other Monday. It was a typical day of work then going home to take care of some household chores. Then, my brother and sister-in-law walked through the door and when they greeted me, I knew my world was about to change. "Nae, grandma passed away this afternoon." 

That phrase crippled me. I didn't burst into tears or fall to the floor in despair. I simply froze and then I calmly wept.

The previous weekend was Thanksgiving and we traveled back to our hometown to visit family and see grandma. She was in the hospital and the doctors said there was nothing else they could do for her, so the decision was made to put her on hospice. By this time, she was sleeping a lot due to the pain medications she was on and she wasn't very responsive. I remember looking at my grandma and feeling like she wasn't really there. She was only a fraction of the person I had known her to be. Looking into her eyes was like looking through a piece of glass. 

Every time we would go to the hospital to see her, we prayed. My family and I never stopped hoping or praying for a miracle. We prayed and prayed and prayed for her, that she would be made whole and be cancer free. We gathered as a family and simply spent time together while she slept. Every once in a while, she would ask to be moved, sat up, have her pillow or bed adjusted, and she would even say a few words. Seeing her like that was one of the hardest things I have ever experienced. 

The Sunday we left to come back home to Kansas City was the last time I would see my grandma. We stopped by the hospital before we left that morning to say our goodbyes. Typically, grandma would greet me and leave me with a hug and a kiss on the forehead. This time, I left her with a kiss on the forehead and I will forever be grateful that I did that. 

The passing of my grandma has been one of the hardest things I've ever had to go through, but in it, I learned one of the greatest lessons. 

It is possible to have peace and joy when you're staring into the face of grief and sadness. 

I have many days that I think about her and miss her. I cry every now and again at the thought of all the things she is and is going to be absent for. That was one of my biggest struggles with her passing. I wanted to be angry at God for letting this happen. I had angry thoughts about how she wouldn't be around to see me get married or start a family of my own. I was angry that she got to be at all three of my siblings weddings, but wouldn't be at mine. I was angry, but I was mostly hurt. I felt as if I had been cheated and short changed. As I expressed my anger and sadness to my sister-in-law, I suddenly felt a sense of comfort and joy come over me. I had never felt a comfort like that before. I also did not know that there could be such joy in the face of death. 

God didn't make my grandma sick. God didn't take her away from me. God did, however, welcome her, then, comfort myself and my family. He also helped us to see His goodness in the valley. I think we spent more time laughing while telling old stories and remembering her life than we did crying. 

My grandma loved Jesus. He was her Lord and Savior. Knowing this, my family was and has been able to be comforted in her death. We know beyond a shadow of a doubt that she is with Jesus now. She is whole and she is cancer free. She didn't get the healing that we prayed and believed for. She got healing that is much more than we could ever imagine. Cancer didn't defeat her. She fought until the very end. She loved her family unconditionally. She would give the shirt off her back for any one and every one and she was everybody's biggest advocate. She will be forever missed, but the memories, laughter, stories, and love will always remain. 

Those who live in the shelter of the Most High will find rest in the shadow of the Almighty. 

-Psalm 91:1