Francis Chan Saved My Life.

The following is a blog post I wrote after I decided to let go of my broken, dirty, shameful, depressing life and do my best to follow Jesus. 

I spent the 6 months prior to this time at KSU. Those 6 months were the hardest times of my life. I had slowly lost all friends I had and struggled to make new ones. I felt directionless in my life. I didn't have any hope for a future. I spent so much time in my life doing the wrong thing and pursuing the wrong things and I felt like I was too far gone to be rescued. I was ready to settle into a life of loneliness and depression and to embrace the consequences of my sinfulness. 

I was so low, on the verge of suicidal thoughts, ready to give up on everything. Then, something happened. I realized that I had absolutely nothing to lose. There was nothing in my life that I was afraid of giving up or that I loved so much I couldn't let go of it. I was so desperate for something real, for something worth living for. I told God "Fine, I give up. You can do whatever you want in my life because I hate who I am and where I am. You win, God." 

January 28, 2014:

What I’m about to say is going to seem crazy, and a lot of people probably won’t understand why I’m doing this.

Over the last couple of months, I’ve really been trying to get to know who I am in Christ and who He is to me. I’ve been reading a devotional called “What Happens When Women Say Yes to God” by Lysa TerKeurst. I’ve also been reading “See My Heart Not My Past” by Baylor Barbee and Trent Shelton. Along with those two, I’ve been reading “Crazy Love” by Francis Chan and studying my Bible. Yesterday morning, I decided that I was going to drop my interior design studio class and add an elective class in another field to make sure that I still had at least 12 credit hours. I was going to do that because over Christmas break, I had decided that I no longer wanted to pursue interior design, but I was going to continue attending KSU until I could figure out where God was leading me next. Then, last night while I was reading, the first two books I mentioned were both talking about how God wants us to say yes to Him because He wants to know that we fully trust Him with every aspect of our lives. I didn’t think too much of it except that I wanted to be that way, and make sure that anything I do in my life brings glory to God and shows Him that I want to be obedient. When I started reading Crazy Love, it was talking about different people and organizations that did radical things, things that didn’t necessarily make sense to others, because they were doing what God had lead them to do. While I was reading, I didn’t think anything like that would ever happen to me. Really, my only thought was that it was crazy how much love these people had for God and that they would be willing to do the things He called them to do without a second thought. However, as I was reading, I felt like I was being told that it was time for me to do something radical out of obedience. I felt as if I was being told that I needed to move to Kansas City. At first, I thought maybe after I finished out the semester here, I would move to KC and see what this was all about, but then it was like I was being told to do it now. I know this might sound completely insane, but after prayer last night, talking to my mom last night and this morning, and my brother, Derek, this morning, I got more affirmation of this. I don’t know why I’m being lead to do this, but I have to do it; not only because I’m being lead in this direction, but because I genuinely want to pursue God with all of my being. It seems crazy to think that a decision this big has been made in a matter of hours, but it’s also very exciting. I don’t need everyone to understand why I’m doing this because it has been laid on my heart, and my family is very supportive of me in this. Although, they all questioned me when I first told them, and asked me if I thought this was really what I felt I was supposed to do, but I know it’s because they all want what is best for me.

I don’t want to look at this as me quitting school, or giving up on ever getting a degree beyond my associate’s because school could very well be in my future, but it’s not something for me to keep pursuing in this season. It seems odd to me to leave this place that I’ve been for over six months, but at the same time it makes perfect sense. I’m honestly not sure where money to support me in this is coming from, and the money that I’ll need to be able to pay on the loans I’ve acquired while being here, or paying back the financial aid I was awarded, but I’m going to trust that God has a perfect plan for me in this and that if this is really what I’m supposed to do, He’ll provide for me.

So, with that being said, the decision has been made to officially withdraw from KSU. I’ll be moving to KC, to live with Derek and Sabrina, in the next couple of weeks.

Looking back on that season of my life, I'm reminded of how far I've come since then. God really has rescued me. When I thought that my life was over and I had no hope, God showed up. Out of a desperate cry, the presence of God came down, and something was birthed inside of me. I had so many unanswered questions that night when God spoke to me about moving here to KC. Now, I have so many stories of how God showed up in those areas and made a way for what seemed impossible. 

So, here I am. Having just celebrated my two year anniversary of living in KC and attending World Revival Church, on February 14, 2016, I can honestly say that listening to God has been the best decision I have ever made.