Grief Gives Us A Choice.

December 1, 2014. 

Two years ago today, my grandma passed away after a battle with breast cancer. Her journey was full of ups and downs. One day she would be feeling well and she was able to do everyday things such as work, running errands, and spending time with family. Then, the next day she would feel ill, not have much energy, and be in lots of pain. My grandma was a fighter, the most selfless woman I've ever met, and she had such great love for people, but that's not what I want to focus on here. 

While my grandma was one of the greatest human beings I've ever had the pleasure of knowing and loving, what I want to talk about here is the pain, heartbreak, and loss I experienced after she passed. 

I will never forget where I was, what I was doing, and how I felt the moment I found out that she had died. I will never forget the sinking feeling I had in my gut, knowing that I'd never see or speak to my grandma on this side of Heaven again. I'll never forget the sadness I felt at knowing that she was gone and I wouldn't be the recipient of her perfect hugs anymore. However, in the midst of my sadness, pain, and grief, I still had hope. I realized that not all was lost. I knew that she was now with the King of kings and no longer in pain. 

One of the things I struggled with most was believing that she never received her healing that my family and I had fought for and believed for so strongly. I would have thoughts come that told me God wasn't good because he didn't heal my grandma. I was believing the lies that I was robbed because my grandma was there for things for my older siblings that she wouldn't be around for when it came to me. I would be overcome with sadness and grief, especially during holidays or milestones that she wasn't there to experience with us, but not in a "healthy" way. It was overwhelming and would cause me to spiral downward, which opened up the door to more negative thoughts about who God was or what He was like. Thankfully, I was surrounded by the greatest people, including my brother and sister-in-law, who didn't allow me to believe the lies that God took my grandma away and that I had been robbed. They allowed me to grieve, but they didn't allow me to wallow in my sadness and pain. 

Throughout my grieving process, I learned that not everything happens the way we want it to or think it should. Did we pray and fight for my grandma and her healing? Yes. Did we believe that God could heal her? Yes. Things happen in this world. People get sick. People die. We experience heartache and loss, but that doesn't have to be the end of us. 

Over the past two years, lots of good things have happened in my life and many of those things were events or situations that I would have loved for my grandma to have been here to live out with me. I met a wonderful man and got married this past August and oh how I wish she could have been there with us. How I wish my husband would have had the chance to meet her. How I wish that my grandpa didn't have to live life without her after 50+ years. But even on my wedding day, the best day of my life to-date, I was still able to rejoice in knowing that she had the best seat in the house. She was there for every moment, even the ones that I didn't notice. She was there, cheering me on. 

The biggest lesson I took from losing a loved one was that I had a choice in how I reacted to it. I could have decided that I was going to let my sadness and pain rule my life. I could have decided that I would put my entire life on hold because I was too sad to carry on and enjoy the people around me. I could have decided that I would be mad at God because He didn't heal her in the way that I had hoped for. I could have decided that I was going to walk away from God and forfeit my future. Or, I could have decided that I was going to allow myself to cry, be sad, and then wipe my tears and pick my head up. Which is exactly what I did. I decided that this was not God's fault. He didn't take her away. He didn't choose to not heal her on earth to punish me or my family. I decided that I was going to believe that God was and is still good. I chose hope. I chose life. I chose joy. It doesn't mean I've forgotten my grandma or suppressed the memories for the sake of not wanting to feel that pain anymore. It doesn't mean that I don't think about her everyday or that I don't miss her. It just means that I am still on this earth, I still have life ahead of me, and I still have hope for today. 

My grandma was a believer in Christ, so I know where she is. I know that one of these days, I will get to see her again. I know that while there will always be a little bit of a hole in my heart and that I will always miss her, I also know that I can still go on, living my life, and living it to the fullest. I haven't missed out on anything. I haven't "gotten over it" but I also haven't allowed the sadness to control my life. I still have a whole lot of family around me that don't deserve to be neglected due to my grief. 

It's okay to be sad. It's okay to grieve. It's okay to miss loved ones that are no longer with us. It's not okay to forfeit our own lives. It's not okay to push away those we love who are still here. It's not okay to isolate and drown in our sorrows. When grief comes, each one of us has a choice: let the pain control us and sulk in the sadness or celebrate the life that once was and keep going..