#NotMyValentinesDay

February 14, 2014.

This day will forever be on my list of favorite memories. Also on my list of most nerve-racking memories. 

On this particular day, I was packing and loading all of my belongings into my bright red, two-door, Pontiac Grand Prix. I was leaving the home I had known for the previous six months of my life, just outside of Manhattan, KS. Two weeks before, I formally withdrew from Kansas State University, to pick up my entire life and move to Kansas City. 

Every Valentine's Day, including this one, for the majority of my teen years, had been the most bitter days I've ever experienced. I remember being upset when I didn't have "the one" special Valentine to spend this "holiday" with. I would be disgusted by all of the mushy posts on social media. I hated all of the stores leading up to this day with their flowers, stuffed animals, and chocolates. I avoided any and all shows or movies that had one bit of romance in them. I couldn't stand being around "those couples" who seemed were doing the most for this one day out of the year. 

I spent the most formative years of my life, between the ages of 10-21, looking for a boy to complete me, to give me my worth, to make me feel like I was someone special, to make me feel loved. I had failed relationship after failed relationship, after failed relationship. It was a never ending cycle. I'll be the first to admit that I was insecure, overly attached, clingy, and down-right unfit to be in any sort of relationship. If I actually happened to be "dating" anyone when Valentine's Day came around, I would base the entirety of my day off of how they treated me, if they got me anything, and how they made me feel. I completely gave up any control of my own life over to the hands of someone else. My life was dictated by my emotions, the actions of others, and the circumstances around me. 

By the time I was 21 years old, I had a full blown "I hate Valentine's Day" attitude. I was bitter. I was angry. I was out of control. 

And then, Jesus. 

My whole life, experiences, and seasons, can be summed up with that one statement - "and then, Jesus." Everything was a mess, until Jesus. Not only was I on the hot mess express, I was the conductor. 

The next year, on my first Valentine's Day (2.14.2015) after fully giving my life over to Christ and putting my desires, hopes, and dreams into his hands..WOW. For the first time in my life, that I can remember, I didn't have any bitterness towards this day or the people who celebrated it. I had been learning that I was in control of how I felt. I was in control of how I reacted. I was in control of determining what kind of attitude I was going to have. I was able to be happy for the people who made a big deal out of Valentine's Day instead of being consumed by hatred and anger towards them. 

By Valentine's Day of 2016, I was in a relationship with someone who treated everyday like it was Valentine's Day. Over the last year, I continued to grow in my relationship with the Lord. I continued to grow in my relationships with friends and family. I continued to grow in maturity and my character. I was able to celebrate Valentine's Day, not for what it meant socially or because I wanted to shove it in anyone's face like "look at me" but because I finally fully understood that Valentine's Day is just a day like any other. 

Here we are, Valentine's Day 2017. I am now married to that same man I shared last years "holiday" with. Yes, he filmed a cheesy video asking me to be his Valentine. Yes, he brought me flowers. Yes, he brought me chocolate covered pretzels. Yes, he made dinner plans and won't tell me what they are. However, this day does in no way define our relationship. This day in no way determines how much or in what way my husband loves me or visa-versa. Today is just a day, like any other day. 

Whether you have a spouse, boyfriend/girlfriend, or whatever, today does not define who you are as a person. Today does not get to dictate your emotions or feelings. If you are single, celebrate the fact that you have the opportunity to love family and friends. Valentine's Day is not a day only for couples or those in a relationship. It's not even a real holiday (in my opinion). 

My point is, don't let yourself become bitter towards others. Don't get upset when you don't get flowers or chocolates from anyone. Go buy yourself flowers. Go buy yourself chocolates. Go buy someone else flowers or chocolates. Don't allow yourself to become inward, wallowing in self-pity. Celebrate this life that we all have the chance to experience instead of being upset about one, silly, over-priced holiday. Please note that I say these things out of LOVE, out of a place of freedom, and with a heart full of compassion and understanding for each and every one of you reading this. And remember, if you're feeling extra lonely on this day, someone else you know probably is as well. Don't hesitate to reach out to others and DECIDE that today is just another day, another opportunity, to show those around you that YOU love THEM.